Soul-Speak: Finding YOUR Voice

"Finding Your Voice" -- Google that phrase.. No, really – google it. When I did it, I got 76,800,000 hits! And that’s just that one variation on how to express the idea of losing something we all started out with.
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Finding your voice. Losing your voice. What happens to so many of us so often that we write about it so much. And when we write about it, whose voice are we using?
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And, whose voice ARE we looking for REALLY, if we were REALLY REALLY honest. OURS I hope, you looking for yours and me looking for mine.
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But what is mine? What does it sound like? How will I know it when I hear it? When did I lose it? And, where do I go looking for it?
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Seems to me first of all that not everybody loses their voice. That’s cool.
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And, it seems to me that some of us never realize we have lost our voice. Maybe that’s okay too, - for them.
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For me? I’ve always had a part of my voice. A part of me has always spoken out. Often shouted. For many years, as a woman, I shouted in anger – sometimes through tears, other times through laughter. And that was okay for awhile.
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But another part of me was silent. The part that needs to sing (tears are welling up, -- I guess they’re for the part of me that I’ve missed for so long).
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It’s been a long time since I’ve sang. I mean, - REALLY sang beautifully, from MY soul, with MY voice.
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Why? When did I lose it?
(shrug) I don’t know.
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I’ve searched my memories for when it happened, and why it happened.
(shrug) I can’t remember. I don’t know.
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I just know that my voice in song has been gone a long time.
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I also know that I had this ache that said I wanted it back.
Or did I?
It’s scary.
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Why?
A part of me wasn’t sure it was anywhere that I could find it. Wasn’t sure how or where to look. Wasn’t sure if it ever really existed. And, wasn’t sure if I did find it, whether it was something that wasn’t beautiful at all – but something that should have stayed hidden.
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It’s taken me a long time to get the courage to finally go in search of it.
And when I did, I needed help to find it.
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It’s been two months of searching. I’ve had to go deep inside of me to find it. I still don’t understand what keeps it so quiet, but I can feel it getting stronger.
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The best moments, the moments when I allow myself to hear my voice in song, is when I shut off my ego, and let that part of me that wants to sing, sing.
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I remember reading something like that once. Shut off your ego, and speak. Shut off your ego, and sing. Shut off your ego, and find your voice.
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Really, what I think it means is, don’t let your fears (those we sometimes call ego) silence you. No matter what the fears are.-

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Soul-Speak by Janette Watt appears every Monday on the CAC blog.

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